Posted in General News

Football, Humor & Women

by Roland Johnson on August 13, 2009

If you are a single guy and know – understand football, but have been having

What more can you say

What more can you say

troubles with the ladies Andy Benoit, of NFL Touchdown.com has devised a humorous way to translate, what you know about football into scouting out potential future women in your life. With what he has coined as the FODAFST ( The Female Observing & Dating Football Scouting Translator) editors note it’s simply humor and in no way meant to be taken seriously by our female readers.

By using different positions in football, Benoit assess women into groups or in this case a position on the football field, then lays a foundation by simply evaluating characteristics which correspond between the scouting of football players and what we as men perceive for a lack of a better term as general groupings of women when we are grouping them in different categories.

Return Specialist

This is the girl that every guy would love to have enough fortitude to verbally dismantle. The Return Specialist always grades high on the eyeball test. She has a great body, exhibits great personal features (perhaps something like dance skills or her sense of fashion) and is a threat to give you a big play every time she touches the ball.

When you take her out, you take a serious salary cap hit, but you feel great because you truly have a fun time. The two of you laugh and visit and, in your mind, break ground on what could be a deep connection. Part of you buzzes just thinking about her afterward, for she seems special enough to not only insert as a receiver in your offense, but perhaps to build your game plan around.

You call the Return Specialist a few days after your date and feel nervous waiting for her to answer. When she doesn’t, you go to feeling eager for her to return your voicemail. After a day goes by, your eagerness becomes anxiousness. After two days, it becomes uncertainty. Then skepticism. Then doubt. After about five or six days, you’re feeling downright crappy.

Upon realizing that you’re never going to hear from this girl again, you begin to question your own offense. If your mind weren’t so naturally discombobulated from thinking about this girl, you’d realize that what you should really be questioning is her character. But the memory of her beauty and charm somehow overshadows her inconsiderate rudeness, which is why you’ll naively believe that the next Return Specialist can actually be a solid wide receiver for you as well.

You usually do wind up seeing this girl again – when she’s returning kicks for another team.

Journeyman Kicker

The Journeyman Kicker has been around the block, not because she is promiscuous but because she consistently collapses under pressure in her relationships. She almost always has multiple divorces to her name and any success that she has had in the past has been overshadowed by the ugliness of the breakup.

You bring her in because you figure you’re just one key piece away from solidifying your life. In the back of your mind, you know that if she were any good, she wouldn’t have been sitting on the open market. Still, you convince yourself that she just needs a positive change in her life, and you’re perfectly equipped to be that change.

If you’re lucky, you’ll notice her flaws on the simple early dates in practice and release her before she costs you a close game when it counts.

Franchise Quarterback

This is the girl that is pretty, smart, fun and engaging. You feel that your personalities click, mainly because, well, how could they not? On the early dates, saying goodbye at the end of the night is always awkward because your burning desire to see her again gives you a staunch determination to finish the game on a good note. Part of you wants the Franchise Quarterback to spike the ball, kill the clock and help you try to score before it’s all over. But deep down, your soul wants to build a winning relationship with the possible mate. This is why you smile graciously when she kneels on the ball and says goodnight with a light hug. When you walk back to the locker room – alone – you kick yourself for not finding a way to have at least gotten out of bounds one more time.

Needless to say, Franchise Quarterbacks are incredibly rare. And, as history shows, when you invest in the wrong one (see Ryan Leaf, Tim Couch, Akili Smith or Cade McNown) the consequences can be excruciatingly painful. But still, you search for your Franchise Quarterback because you know that when you find yours, you’re likely to get that ring.

Make sure you check out the full article, espically if you have a raunchy sense of humor or just looking for a  good laugh this morning.

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